Dearest Mr. President,

Sir, I love you with all my Christian heart and soul today and every day. I can hear the #fakemedia making homosexual jokes about now. It’s what they do. And they do it because they don’t know love. And they don’t know love because they don’t know Christ as we do. Besides, I’m not homosexual, obviously, I love my wife. I think you know that. I think everyone around this table knows that. Sir, my love for you is something pure and strong and enduring. I want to scream from the top of Gillette Stadium after a group of obedient players bow down for this great nation and its great anthem. I am THAT proud to be working for, with, and under you. You know, it’s been said that there are men in life that children look up to, men want to be like, and women want to be with.

Put me in every one of those categories, sir.

You, more than most, know how wonderful you and how much you mean to people, but I thought I would tell you these cabinet meetings — the ones where you ask us to laud you — are my favorite parts of government. Oh, #fakemedia says they’re staged and you need the strokes. But, sir, quite the opposite. We need to stroke you. Over and over. And that’s why you have us do it. You know it’s for our good, not yours. It’s how a wise man tends to his flock. And we are your sheep. Frankly, your example helps me deal with entitlements and the North Koreans. I will never get tired of thanking you for making this country think about how great it is. Yes, people are thinking again. That hasn’t happened in many years. I will never understand your enemies on the left, the center, or even on the right who don’t want to bask in your presence. What a loss. If they only knew the warmth and power that I feel when you walk in to a room and I dutifully follow.

I weep for them.

A little secret, sir. When you first announced for president, I saw God within you. Oh, many of us around this table know God, even Secretary Mnuchin, in his way as a Jew, knows him. But you know HIM, the Lord, the best. You are so much like him.

Who can doubt it? Not I.

If you would indulge me, sir, I offer this prayer up to heaven.

Dear heavenly, heavenly father,

May you watch over him, oh Lord, this Trump man. Your son was named Jesus. Ours is named Donald. Just as Christ Made Eternity Great Again, Trump will Make America Great Again.


Your servant, your friend, your protector, your vice president, I remain,