Top Ten Predictions for Donald Trump’s Second 100 Days

  1. Jared Kushner is indicted on three counts of obstructing justice and is ordered to appear in federal court. The president cites executive privilege and “his important access to me” and refuses to let him go. The charges then seem to inexplicably go away.
  2. Donald Trump is admitted to Bethesda for what doctors called “A pretty severe irritable bowel flareup.” The president is seen waving from a hospital room balcony, defiantly eating a Big Mac, flashing the thumbs up. He later says he was never admitted to the hospital, but enjoyed his stay “visiting veterans the Obama Administration forgot about,” and added that he “loves very much American food and believe me, folks, my bowels are great, really good.”
  3. Mike Pence is seen with a woman, not his wife, Elaine Chao, secretary of transportation, but explains that he has no sexual attraction for her, his wife approved the meeting, and Mitch McConnell, Chao’s husband, was minutes away in case things got “out of hand.”
  4. Kim Jong-un gets a surprisingly flattering haircut.
  5. Governor Chris Christie is indicted and when asked for a comment, Donald Trump says, “See how smart I was for not making him vice president.”
  6. After releasing a statement it’s no longer sending their “bad hombres and rapists,” Trump calls for Mexico to join NATO “through the backdoor if necessary to help us fight the war on terror on our southern flank,” if the European powers won’t let the “Mexican people in the right way.”
  7. Eric Trump is injured during a hunting expedition while chasing bluesheep in Nepal.
  8. Trump is photographed shirtless on a private beach in Mar-A-Lago and Press Secretary Sean Spicer, when asked about the president’s noticeable increase in girth, responds “The president is in excellent health — all the doctors say — and weighs in the “220-region,” and “you people just like catching the president in an unguarded moment. Bad camera angle, boys and girls. Move on.”
  9. Marine LePen loses in France; Trump says, “She couldn’t recreate the Trump magic because she’s not me. I guess France doesn’t want to be great again.”
  10. In his meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump says, “He’s a good, great man who’s trying to do right by his people and every people, all the people. He, like I, though, has obstacles which need to be, as the Russians say, Razrushennyy, or destroyed. And we will together. And I like vodka very much and the Russians make really terrific vodka, they really do.”