November 4, 2020

FOTP List for …. Friday, February 9, 2018

You wake up on the above date in two years, the day after the presidential election in America. What’s the lead story?

  1. Donald Trump defeats Cory Booker 51–48. Widespread voting irregularities are being reported. Rioting in Los Angeles and NYC, and returns from Florida are still not completely in. Trump, after saying he won a historical, really terrific victory, threatens to call out National Guard if rioting doesn’t stop. “I won,” he says. “Deal with it if you didn’t vote for me.”
  2. America is largely quiet following the decision a month earlier to postpone the 2020 presidential election, the first time ever, until, as President Trump said at the time, “I can be satisfied the voting will be handled greatly and with much integrity.” Attorney General Scott Pruitt, who replaced Attorney General Rudy Giuliani, who replaced Attorney Jeanine Pirro, who replaced Attorney General Jeff Sessions, said a suspension of Habeas Corpus will also stay in effect until further notice.
  3. There is no November 4, 2020. The world, as we know, ceased to exist on May 3, 2019.
  4. Democratic Candidate Sherrod Brown overwhelmingly defeats President Mike Pence. Democrats gain control of the House and Senate
  5. Donald Trump tweets after beating Elizabeth Warren. “I’m very proud of myself for winning again, but I thought Pocahontas did a nice job, she really did. She’s a good lady, a squaw, whatever she wants to call herself. There’s more I am going to do. I may need another term.”
  6. Joe Biden narrowly defeats Donald Trump to become the 46th president. Trump, refusing to admit defeat, vows to stay “put until the election can really be decided by people who are trustworthy and not biased by fake news. There’s a lot of bad returns out there — really a lot.”
  7. President Paul Ryan, who replaced President Mike Pence (after Pence resigned rather than face obstruction of justice charges), who replaced Donald Trump (after Trump resigned rather than face obstruction of justice charges), defeats Andrew Cuomo to begin his first full term as president.
  8. As the president celebrates his re-election victory over Kamala Harris, Jared Kushner begins his 6th month of an 18-month sentence in Morgan Federal Correctional Facility in West Virginia. Ivanka files for divorce.
  9. Surprising pundits, Mike Pence, who became president in the summer of 2020, due to the incapacitation of Donald Trump, narrowly defeats Bernie Sanders for the presidency. Stephen Miller hospitalized with mysterious illness.
  10. Due to a massive, inexplicable shutdown of all voting facilities in Michigan, Florida, Texas, and Pennsylvania, no victor in the presidential election is declared. President Trump, who was trailing in all the above states when the machines went down, vows to stay on and the GOP-controlled congress passes emergency legislation nullifying the returns that did come in. Court challenges are planned. Says Trump, “I would have won anyway, everyone knows it, but we’ll have the election when the time is right, believe me. I love Democracy.”