The Hitler Interview

Megyn Kelly sits down with der Führer and discusses Jews, the media, and his early days as a painter.

Kelly: Thank you for joining us, Mr. President, Chancellor … what should I call you?

Hitler: Just don’t call me late for the invasion.

(Laughter)

Kelly: Where you’re sitting. That looks beautiful there. Is that in Germany?

Hitler: Well, it’s ours now.

(Laughter)

Good to be with you, Frau Megyn. And let me say you’re a handsome woman.

Kelly: Thank you.

Hitler: Yes, to answer your question. The Alps are beautiful this time of year. It’s like you can just reach out and grab it. They feel German.

Kelly: Yes, it does. Okay, sir, let’s get right to it because, as you know, there’s been some discussion about your relationship with the Jews. You say you don’t kill Jews; yet, Jews are being killed —

Hitler: Let me interrupt you. A lot of people get killed in war and Jews are no exception — they bleed, too. I think your Shakespeare said that. You know the play?

Kelly: Uh, no.

Hitler: I regret all loss of life, even those who deserve it. And I knew you were going to ask me this, frankly. I come on and you ask that kind of question? It’s a very not nice thing to do. You’d have better ratings if you asked better questions, more respectful. My German media is nice.

Kelly: I’m sorry, but my ratings are actually quite good. Very good, really. But my question was, are you going out of your way to antagonize them, the Jews? And I was wondering: do you think it helps to scream “Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten” at rallies and such? You had one recently at Nuremberg.

Hitler: My base is very angry, very passionate, not experienced, so, yes, they sometimes do things in my name that I would prefer they didn’t — like kill innocent people. But that’s to be expected when people feel like their government hasn’t cared about them for a very, very long time and society is coming apart. Then they see Jews doing well. That quote, if it was said, by the way, was not screamed, if it was said at all — if I said it, which I don’t think I did — but if I did, I’m sure it was taken out of context — or completely made up. Nobody has shown me where, or if, I said it, so you’re saying I said it, but where’s proof? We had a great Olympic turnout, by the way? Why does nobody talk about that? We let the Schwarz runner run, Owens. He did well. They run well, everyone knows. And I applaud them. Again, nobody talks of that.

Kelly: Do the concentration camps exist? Many people say they do, but you know better than most, I’d imagine.

Hitler: Fake media has been saying that, but it’s lies. I don’t even know what that means — concentration camp. We are at war. We have munition factories all over Europe where people live and work. If Jews work there, they work there. And why do people criticize work? It’s good when people work, especially for Jews, who mostly have inside jobs on desks. For security reasons, I can’t talk about that any more, where they work or what kind of work they do. But, no, I wouldn’t call them concentration camps. Surely you understand.

Kelly: Oh, I do, I do. But I think their accommodations really worry people who see them in those striped work clothes. And some are thin, beyond just dieting, so let me ask: are they being fed?

Hitler: The Jews? If they’re there, of course, they’re fed. Good food, too. We have great German food for them — they get veal and potatoes and strudel. Delicious food. The have utensils and napkins. Very, very nice places, little apartments really. It’s like a college dormitory. There are no complaints.

Kelly: Why do you think you’re such a lightning rod for some? There are other leaders more well liked. What do you think it is about you?

Hitler: Anyone who promises to shake things up will be. I want to make Germany great again and there are people in the versumpfen who must be cleaned out. And I’m sure there’s some jealousy, too. I’m very successful, obviously.

Kelly: You were quoted as saying, “The ultimate goal must definitely be the removal of the Jews altogether.”

Hitler: I never said that.

Kelly: But sir, you did.

Hitler: No. More lies. And you’re doing it again, Kelly. Really not at all nice and beneath someone like you.

Kelly: We’ll leave that for now, but I must ask: do you even like Jews, sir?

Hitler: I like Germany, I love its people.

Kelly: You’re avoiding the question.

Hitler: We are one Germany and I think people know what that means.

Kelly: If you could say one thing to the Jewish people, what would it be?

Hitler: Why so much on Jews? I know Jews run your network, but most of America has had it with all the Jew stories. In Germany, too, maybe even more so. Are you Jewish?

Kelly: No, of course not, but I know some and I like them. Many in fact.

Hitler: Why ask me about Jews and not ask about the German people who have suffered at the hands of others and what I say to them? They are Germany, the real Germany from history before we let all kinds of people in who took their jobs. It’s Traurig.

Kelly: Do you think they killed Jesus?

Hitler: The Germans?

Kelly: No, no, the Jews.

Hitler: Undoubtedly. You can’t argue with the bible. It’s in all the books — the new Testament, which, by the way, I love. Yes, I think they killed Jesus — not all of them, obviously, but you know what they say, sins of the father, sins of the children and all that.

Kelly: Does that bother you?

Hitler: Doesn’t that bother you?

Kelly: Here’s my problem —

Hitler: Then let me give you a — wait for it — solution.

(Laughter)

Kelly: When this is all over, Mr. President, what happens to Adolf Hitler?

Hitler: Look, I’m very proud of what I accomplished. I started out a painter — I was really quite good, actually.

Kelly: What did you paint?

Hitler: Great buildings and people and fruit. Won numerous awards in Braunau am Inn in Austria. You know, eveyone thought Hindenburg would be president forever, but I won a great victory in 1932, nobody thought I’d do as well as I did. I’m very proud of myself for that and proving how smart I was … and am. I’ve very smart, you know. And taller than people think.

Kelly: But you didn’t really win the popular vote. More people actually voted against you.

Hitler: Tell that to the millions of people who voted for me. And there were many, many millions who voted for me. I could have gotten more had I campaigned in Hamburg and Munich. Have you seen the map of who voted for me? It’s almost completely brown.

Kelly: Mr. President, we know you have to go, but thank you so much for joining us and I’d love to see some of the artwork sometime.

Hitler: Thank you. And it’s been my pleasure. Come visit sometime and I will show you my gallery.

Kelly: I’d like that. Thank you again. And thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Okay, tomorrow night: Joseph Stalin will join us from his dacha in the Black Sea and then, on Friday night, a special treat, we’ll be joined in the studio by Father Coughlin, who will discuss his new version of “The Protocols of the Elders of Zion,” which has some in the Jewish community very upset. Goodnight for now.